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Based on the book, Families Held Hostage, by Robert A. Yourell
(In Progress)

What is the "Families Held Hostage" Phenomenon?

"Families Held Hostage" have an adult child at home that they are having trouble launching (making independent) or coping with. The family has been frustrated in its attempts to get the resources they need for a solution. Instead, they wind up facing serious consequences for themselves or their adult child. They are caught in a double bind. (There are other versions of families held hostage, such as families with an "out of control" teenager, but that will have to wait for another article.)

Their adult child may have trouble as mild as that of a twenty-something who is having a hard time getting a job, or as serious as a controlling and sometimes violent career criminal or drug addict. Talk to one hundred people with this issue, and you'll discover that all sorts of brain injuries, mental illnesses, immaturity, and negative social influences cause these problems.

There are many factors contributing to this, but the core problem is that, as our economy and social service funding changes, we as families and as a society are less capable than ever to handle disabilities, especially mental disabilities such as brain injuries and mental illness. At the same time, we are seeing a rising wave of mental, emotional and physical problems caused by accidents, war, poorly regulated chemicals in our products and foods, addiction, and crime. The British medical journal predicted a wave of poor functioning children caused by industrial chemicals affecting children in the womb.

I refer to this predicament as "Families Held Hostage," because families can be locked into inaction, internal conflict, or frantic and ineffective action. Either way, they come to feel trapped by the problem, their family member, themselves, society, or all the above in some way. This "hostage" situation must be transformed into a life-changing journey, so I'll refer to your path as a journey.

Many parents have expressed dismay at having paid professionals for help, only to find that they were not told key information that would have prepared them for what they were really up against. They are upset with the limitations of our social systems, and the abuse that they or their family members have experienced at the hands of some of the workers in the system. They don't like the choices that they are facing at this point... Hundreds of people have told me about their struggles in these terms. They have also told me, "No one has spoken to us like this before." That's because I believe in thinking outside the box and connecting the dots. I hope that this article gives you hope, strength, vision and a new direction.

Personal Resources are Part of the Solution

The source of the problem that you’re most likely to hear about on daytime TV, a family that needs to stop "enabling," is really just a convenient way to peddle the kind of guilt that's always good for ratings, but isn't usually very useful in real life. But families need answers, not distractions.

In contrast to the stereotypes, most families facing these problems exhibit great courage and sustained effort and sacrifice for their children. The conflict between parents usually only develops after one or the other has decided to put their foot down before the other is ready. Only rarely do any two parents have exactly the same tolerance for stress, bad behavior, risk, expense, or any other factor that tests parents. However, it deeply saddens me to see the years that these families lose because of problems in society, such as apathetic professionals, bad prescribing, and misguided justice system responses.

These factors block the journey of transformation, detouring families onto what I call the jagged journey. On the jagged journey, the promise of a constructive outcome drifts farther and farther out of reach, leaving parents wishing they could wave a magic wand over their child, or over the system. By the time they realize that they will have to take a very different approach, and exercise much more persistence in persuing it, many parents feel too fatigued to persist. Much of this fatigue is from emotional strain and grief. These are problems that can be resolved so parents can refresh their reserves.

The worst case scenarios, when they take place, ultimately require that the parents grieve and successfully navigate their own path. Often, the best case scenario can be achieved: their child finds his or her place. This might be with the ideal roommate, in an institution, or living amicably at home. Whatever happens, it is a journey that changes those who take it. One of the jobs of the people who assist in these situations, is to help everyone regain their strength, recover their lives, and grow.

Here are the main areas where parent's may need shoring up in order to traverse this journey. Are any of these needs of yours?

• Negotiation with difficult people.
• Skill or strategies for getting cooperation from bureaucrats and people in authority.
• Recovering their mental or emotional strength in order to face the upcoming challenges.
• Getting information and insight about the nature of their child's problem.
• Building support through a community of people facing similar challenges.
• Acquiring the communication and stress management skills they need to restore their marriage.
• To settle on a plan and maintain the resolve to live with whatever risks are connected with that plan.

What Keeps Family Members from Independence?

People having trouble with independence range fall along a spectrum from people who were recently impaired, to people with such long-standing problems that they can be very immature. Those whose limitations developed in the recent past may have been hit by a car, depression, trauma, severe fibromyalgia, or some other misfortune that causes people to loose their edge. Those with long-standing problems have had all sorts of shaming and abusive experiences with teachers, parents, social workers, their peers, and who knows who else. It's no wonder many of them have issues with intimacy, shame, authority, anger, and resentment. If, along with their deficits, they happen to have gifts that they can capitalize on, they may well end up in good jobs, but they are still what we call "neurodiverse." The ones that don't find a way to do well with what gifts they have end up in dead end jobs, and their hobbies often consist of things like TV, beer, porn, and griping about how stupid management is. If they have fallen into a criminal lifestyle, their hobbies might be more along the lines of con jobs, meth, petty theft, and getting into arguments with police officers about the Constitution. If they are seriously mentally ill, you may have no idea what hobbies they have, because it's going on in a disjointed world in their mind alone.

Some of those folks end up back with their parents or other family members, if they ever managed to launch in the first place. And, no, being moved into an apartment that their parents pay for is not launching. The take away message of this article is that there are principles that you can use to size up the situation, to decide what to do, and where to go for more information and help. I want to get you started on the right foot, and get you thinking in a constructive manner. For some of you, this can save your marriage and maybe even your life. If you are in this latter group, you probably don't need me to tell you whether either of those things are at risk, especially if it is your marriage.

The Problem Behind the Problem

I want you to keep "the problem behind the problem" idea in mind, because it needs to be addressed as much as your child's problems. Here are some examples. Many of you will immediately recognize one or more of these as your own.

I am too overwhelmed with life myself, I can't be expected to think straight about someone else's life too, at least not someone with such serious problems.

My spouse is not with me on this, but maybe he/she is right. One of us wants to give more chances, and the other is ready to slam the door. In fact, the emotional door slammed a long time ago, unless you consider the anger.

We've spent so much, and for nothing. Even if we had the money, we couldn't justify supporting him. At this point, we're just torn between keeping him/her here and getting our lives back. Even if he/she stays, some day we won't be around. Then what?

Frankly, we're afraid. We're very concerned about retribution. It's the way he/she thinks. He/she's very entitled. We want to make changes, but we've been intimidated into letting sleeping dogs lie.

I'm starting to question my judgment, because bad things keep happening, and I keep forgiving. But this is having an effect on me. I feel almost like I'm starting to loose my soul. But how can I make someone do something they don't want to do? How does he/she keep talking me into things?

We don't have issues, we have lousy options. But this is taking a toll on us. I don't know which is worse, the drain of the uphill battle, or the anger I feel at the system and certain people. What keeps some people from seeing that they're dealing with human beings? Don't they know they could save money with a humane approach to the problem. They are destroying people. And for what?

As you can see, the problems, whatever they may be, back people into a corner, and takes a toll that can affect parents' unity and judgment. The more of their own issues and vulnerabilities they have, the harder it is to sort things out.

Did one or more of these issues strike a chord with you? If so, keep them in mind while you read the remainder of this part. The next part will use what we discuss here to set the stage for solutions.

Problems that Prevent an Adult Child from Living Independently

Let's do a quick review of the things that can keep an adult child at home. Do any of these apply to your family member?

Economic Hardship

I'm going to guess that you aren't reading this book simply because you have an adult child at home who fell on hard times, and is industriously working to get back on his feet. There's something else going on. Nonetheless, economic hardship is a big reason for adult children living at home. For many of these families, this hardship will turn out to have been caused by additional problems. Or the hardship may have hit your child badly enough to trigger another problem, such as depression. The third possibility is that your child has some kind of personality quirk that makes it too easy to fall into a cozy dependence.

Emotional Transition

Pretty much everyone gets knocked down by an emotional experience at least once in their life. Most of us get up, dust off, and get back on the pony. For those of us that don't hop back on as quickly as everyone else thinks they should, there has to be a reason. I don't think anybody wakes up one morning and says, "I think I'll be irresponsible for the rest of my life. How can I manipulate everyone and totally lose my status and privileges in society."

As a practical person who thinks of his craft as, well, a craft, I am more concerned with what tools may lead to recovery more than explanations. But that's because I can't look inside people's brains and rewire them. They won't let me, and the medical board and police frown on it. Even brain scans, as of this writing, won't typically tell you what needs to be done.

I'd like you to consider just how devastating some emotional setbacks can be for people, because if recovery is what's needed, then your journey could be among the simplest of any of the families that this book is written for. Consider toxic relationships. If your member is having trouble bouncing back from a harmful intimate relationship, they are not alone. It is surprising how much damage one person can do, just by molding their personality and self esteem. I have seen this happen to extremely confident and well-adjusted people. It is a psychological process that we are all vulnerable to. Did you know that a psychologist named Martin Seligman helped get this idea rolling in the military. This led to a systematic approach to creating "learned helplessness" in people through a collection of psychologically damaging methods that are considered torture by pretty much everyone except those with an interest in perpetuating them. Unfortunately, this system has been adopted by a variety of other nations. In any case, it is possible to induce this state without using trained professionals if you can work on them long enough, whether you're their lover or their boss.

Bereavement and psychological trauma can also get people stuck for long periods. Both of these can attack a person's ability to sleep. While the counselor is spending months running the person through processes that are intended to help them turn their experience into a spiritual one, a "somatic" (physiologically-minded) psychotherapy such as EMDR might solve the problem fairly quickly.** Sleep is my pick for the number one biggest secret in mental health. If sleep is damaged, everything else will eventually start going down the tubes. I don't mean that the person can't sleep. They could be sleeping for ten hours a night. The problem is with the part of sleep that we all depend on to keep our sanity. It's the aspect that torturers attack to make people helpless and fearful, dream sleep, also known as REM sleep.

There are also some long-term, but possibly subtle problems that may have been triggered and worsened by a negative experience such as getting fired. This can include problems such as depression and anxiety. Children with anxious dispositions are especially at risk for having anxiety flip into depression, dramatically changing their life challenges and needs during their late teen years or adulthood.

Whatever the problem appears to be, a thorough assessment by a mental health person who does thorough assessments (most don't) is very important. I don't care how many times your child has been through the revolving door of mental health, do not think that you have the right diagnosis unless you know personally that there has been a truly thorough work up by someone who really thinks things through. I also need to remind you that medicine may hold the key as well. I don't just mean because psychopharma is making progress. Sometimes people are surprised to find that there is a chronic medical problem that was never dealt with. Fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, diabetes, and hypothyroidism are notable examples.

Cognitive Limits

Cognition is basically a big word for thinking. Cognitive ability is, roughly speaking, intelligence. One of the biggest myths in mental health is that when people have cognitive limits, they make their entire intelligence drop down. This is far from the truth. You have to start thinking of people as having many, many kinds of intelligence. Not only that, but everyone is a low performer in at least some of these, and a higher performer in others. Some of us are really extreme, having such severe deficits, that their gifts seem miraculous. How can someone who doesn't know his own age play brilliantly on the piano? The answer is pretty straightforward. Different parts of the brain are in charge of different things, and it's possible for very specific areas of the brain to suffer damage, leaving everything else intact. Brain researchers are now telling us that it is actually rare to find anyone whose brain doesn't show damaged or limited areas. Normal is the new abnormal. The take away message is that some folks have significant cognitive problems from early childhood, while others may come about them later in life, and that the variety of problems is basically endless.

But there's more. Researchers are finding that intelligence is a more volatile thing than we ever new. They are finding a variety of things going on in our brains that can put us in need of recovery in ways that can get us written off as simply unworthy. These include "whispering strokes" and "silent infarcts" in which relatively small amounts of blood are released in the brain. Depending on where this happens, this can result in cognitive problems. Concussions, even "small" ones can also cause cognitive problems, as we have found with boxing and other sports. I have this little theory that many of the strange things you hear about in the news, in which people do things that seem out of character and not real bright, are caused by undetected attacks on a person's cognitive abilities. Some of these are more transitional, like sleep loss, while others require long-term attention.

But you can't understand cognitive problems, without understanding how vulnerable they make people, and how ignorant and brutal society is towards this problem. I believe it is the last place where bigotry gets to live in full bloom in the civilized world. As an employee, I have experienced being kicked to the curb after experiencing a brain injury, with the employer perfectly happy about the prospect that I might be too feeble-minded at that point to realize I had rights to medical care and other options. With a little luck, I would just walk away and maybe get permanently lost. As a citizen, I have seen a pretty young bank teller show anger and irritation while dismissing an elderly woman who had become too confused to manage her banking effectively. Maybe with a little luck, she won't have family members who know where her money is and the bank can just absorb it. As a clinician, I have seen managed care companies insist that people with brain damage are now recovered, even though they can't keep a job. Hopefully, this person won't be able to afford any insurance or perhaps even a place to live, but at least that won't cost the insurer anything. As a person who reviews research and statistics on mental health, I have reviewed the alarming statistics on homelessness, and how much of it is caused by brain injuries and society's cruel contempt for anyone who stumbles. And suicide? Take an educated guess.

So that this article doesn't go too long, I'll just mention some other areas that can impair your adult child's independence:

Limited Development

This is a really deep subject, that I already alluded to. Basically, when children do not successfully make it through a stage of development, it has an impact on the rest of their life. Too many glitched stages, or too severely glitched, and the impact can be extreme.

Any area can be affected, but consider these: social skills, self esteem, dealing with or carrying authority, tolerating frustration, thinking ahead, relationships and intimacy, honesty and work...

Mental Disorders

Many people think that mental disorders, whether they are mild, severe, or anywhere in between, are a moral failing or something to jeer at. They believe in social Darwinism's position that these people are getting what they deserve. Misunderstandings show up in many of our laws and social services. Mental disorders require compassion and scientific understanding.

Drug Abuse

While some people never fall victim to a "drug of choice," others end up completely at the mercy of one or more addictive drugs. They may be trying to medicate themselves, in a sense, or they may "just" be addicted. This creates many risks, such as spreading diseases, crime and overdosing.

Ways You Might Feel Like a Hostage

Give these "hostage factors" a once over. Do any of these apply to you?

Manipulation

Taking advantage of your tolerance, not doing what they actually can do to be more helpful or independent.

Intimidation

Using a threatening attitude, property destruction, actual threats, or violence to control your behavior and not be held accountable for what they can control.

Uncertainty

You wonder if it's fair to expect more. Can he or she actually take more responsibility or have more self control?

No professional has given you a straight answer as to the diagnosis or what is possible. You aren't sure where to turn.

You're skeptical about anyone's ability to help. You need to know what has worked.

Last Option

Child has no options, you're it. He or she is not able to cope on their own.

Without you managing his or her life, they will relapse into drugs, crime or other extremes.

Agencies have failed him or her, you're all they have left.

Your child is marginalized because of criminal history or another factor. Society won't allow him or her to reclaim their life.

Social systems such as Mental Health can be so slow to respond that your worst fears may take place before there is help.

If you've had an incident where you tried to get the police or mental health team to get your child help, nobody believed you or worse. And you were left to clean up the mess.

Habit, accommodation

Somehow you have fallen into a pattern, but you know that things cannot or should not continue this way.

Many efforts have failed and this pattern has developed. You need fresh ideas, or to re-think where and how to draw the line.

Hope

Maybe some people think you're wrong, but you refuse to give up hope. You just wish that there were signs of progress.

Guilt

You would feel horrible if you set him up to fail, or gave up on him. You aren't sure what is right.

You need to draw the line, and you know where it is, but you just can't.

You or a family member is (or may be) responsible for the problem, as with prenatal drug or alcohol exposure. This guilt makes it hard to be objective.

Promise

Child is in a recovery process, or showing some signs that you should keep going.

Responsibility Choice

He or she is your responsibility. You are not willing to give up on your own child, but you fear that this could wear you or another family member out.

Family or Social Pressure

From family members or one parent against the other

Other people's shallowness troubles you. Why is it so easy for them to say, "He'll have to hit bottom. Kick him out for his own good." Or, "How could you let this happen to you?"

Family Issues

You're starting to wonder if your own or your family's issues have prevented things from improving, or are actually making things worse.

Being Cut Off

Once over eighteen, an adult child can cut you off while you worry about what may be happening to them in a world they cannot constructively handle.

The mental health, medical, and social service systems are required to obey your child when he or she stops them from letting you know what is going on, even when the reasons are completely irrational, even though you are a resource. You fear you won't hear anything until being notified of their death by suicide, violence or overdose.

The Harm that is Happening, or May Happen

Legal Jeopardy

Being in harm's way (legally) because of something he or she might do involving property destruction, drugs, crime, or weapons.

Fearing that he or she may accuse you of something that would be very difficult to fight when you are already at your wit's end.

Fear that the police may show up and get physical or shoot before understanding the situation. Anyone in the house could be at risk if this happens.

Risk of trouble because of what you or another family member might do, or might do again, if pushed far enough.

Money

You have already spent too much on things that didn't work out. You don't have much more to give. You or a family member is resenting the cost.

There are arguments about what to give and when.

When your troubled family member has control of money, bad things happen such as drugs or impulsive waste.

He or she has stolen from you for drugs or some other reason. You have to take steps you shouldn't have to just to preserve what you have and prevent them from being misused.

Harm to Children, an Elder, or Another Dependent Adult, or You

You have children at home and fear for their safety, or are concerned about what they may witness.

Potential violence, property destruction, crazy driving, drugs, crime, weapons, fire.

Potential trouble from people he or she might tell your address or even bring around.

Harm to Your Child

You don't have the resources that he needs. You are concerned about him or her bringing harm to him or herself. Something more, like a halfway house or medication, is needed.

You fear that the courts or other authorities will over-react to your child's behavior. For example, you know that many mentally ill people are put in jail instead of given mental health care, just because that's how the system worked that day. About one in six jail inmates have serious mental illnesses. You know that society now reacts to an extreme for drug violations. You want to insulate your child from this kind of harm. You've heard enough stories about the sadistic way jail staff may treat the mentally ill, such as allowing them to harm themselves, or putting them in solitary confinement for not following all the rules, in cold, inhumane conditions.

Left to his or her own devices, their self care is so bad that it is really disturbing. You worry about their teeth, their diet, and their sexuality.

You have learned that certain kinds of stress or stigma can cause a downward spiral for many emotional and mental problems. You have seen your child take a serious turn for the worse, and fear that anxiety or negative judgments by others can trigger anxiety or agitation that cascades into depression and severe mental illness. You know that a bout of depression or certain other mental or lifestyle problems can take years to recover from. This has you very alarmed about protecting him or her, feeling that there must be a way.

Stress or Health

The stress is getting to you or another family member. It is becoming a health issue.

Mental Health and Motivation

You or a family member is having symptoms develop or worsened by this situation. Things may get much worse.

This is affecting your ability to manage your emotions or maintain your motivation (or a family member).

You or a family member is having trouble thinking clearly or making important decisions because this is too distracting or stressful.

Ruined Marriage or Relationship or Family

Stress or conflict from this situation is tearing apart the most important relationships in your life: your marriage or intimate relationship, or your connection to another child or family member.

Enabling

You are concerned that your role (or a family member) is somehow helping him or her be more dependent or destructive.

Having a Balanced Life, or Just Getting a Life

You long to have the things other people have, like time away or exercise or a meaningful hobby, but you can't take the time away, or your too stressed to enjoy it, or you're too broke to do much now.

Work, Career or Education

Things have gotten so bad that they are interfering with work, career or education for one or more of your family members or for yourself. This could ruin what's left of your family's greatest dreams.

What's Wrong with Solutions

For every solution, there are many possible objections or failures. You will find families that have been failed by every possible solution. This, however, does not tell you that every family is failed by every solution. While we can point to failures, we can also show successes. The point is to maximize the odds of success, and to choose what risks you are willing to take. Of course, this will mean that you are choosing from the lessor of multiple evils. This is because there are risks that are forced upon you if you allow the status quo to tick along, as well as when you take a position and take action. You aren't getting any younger. Sooner or later your adult child will be on his own, or too much for you to handle. If there are serious behavior or mental problems, every day that goes by is a window of time for a serious incident to take place.

Remember at the beginning of this article, I touched on things that you may need in order to successfully take this journey. Please review them before you finish.

Your Well Being is First. No, I'm Serious. Please Read This!

If you thought this article was going to be all about your adult child's well being, you're wrong. Your well being is necessary for your adult child's well being. And if your well being is not enough for your child, it is still your first priority. You can't justify ruining yourself, because it's like pouring all your savings into a casino. All that money will just be a puff of smoke to a casino, and it's appetite will never be satisfied. You could have yourself ground up and fed to your child, and he would still be hungry the next day.

Whatever his or her problems, whatever his or her gifts, your well being comes before every other consideration in this book. You must live to fight another day. You must be in the best condition you can in order to recover from grief if things end up out of your control and go badly. You must be in the best condition you can to enjoy the rest of your family and your friends, and so they can enjoy you. You are a blessing to others who are able to benefit from your presence. Don't take that away from them because you have somehow come to think that your last ounce of life will be the one that saves your child. Unless you're pulling a car of off him, that will never be true.

We have strong reasons to feel that way, of course. Our brains interpret many events as though they are immediate threats that we must fight or flee from, when they are actually situations with a much longer arc of activity. Don't let this situation live inside your body as a constant threat that harms your health. Only treat real physical threats that way. Instead of having tunnel vision, in which the only purpose of your life is to save your child, begin to open your view enough to see that there are many other ways that you contribute to others' lives, and many ways that you deserve to enjoy your own life, family, friends, and the beauty of the world. I call this unwinding. It's about unwinding the trauma of the situation so that you can be more fully alive, sleep soundly, and be healthy and strong.

Now this is very important. Dealing with overwhelming, stressful, or traumatic experiences can take a toll on your well being in various ways. A key part of your journey is recovery. Most of you will need to recover your emotional stability, or you ability to think clearly, or your ability to fully feel your emotions and values, as when you perceive beauty. Have you noticed that, when you look at a sunset, that it is not as beautiful to you as sunsets once were? Or that when you think of doing something special, it seems more overwhelming than exciting? These are just two of many symptoms that the stress and responsibility is getting to you. Most of you need a plan and direction for recovery, and you can't take this too seriously.

Conclusion, Author

I hope this has helped you begin to get a better footing with your family issues. Please feel free to contact me for a free initial consultation and ideas. If you would like to know more about my background or qualifications, please look at my contact page. My phone number is 619/377-1570. - Robert A. Yourell

 

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© 2008 Robert A. Yourell, All Rights Reserved.

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